


Running on Empty

by Riverdalerider99



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Gen, Introspection, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Sam Has an Eating Disorder, not a very happy fic folks, now with horribly cliched title!!, possible eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 01:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5111282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverdalerider99/pseuds/Riverdalerider99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Most of the time he forces the food down his gullet. Dean always teases him for choosing 'rabbit food' and trying to eat healthily, and maybe that’s why he started eating salad, to be healthy, but not now. Now it’s the only thing that won’t make him nauseous."</p><p>Just a little piece dealing with Sam and his eating habits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running on Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposting this onto AO3 from my Tumblr (find me @ heavenlysams!), originally written in August 2014. 
> 
> This fic was a response to a prompt from Tumblr user Safiyabat's prompt page. The prompt asked for "a little piece dealing with Sam and his eating habits," so that's what it is. Unbeta'd, all mistakes are my own.

Sam doesn’t know when it started. He thinks it was way back with Ruby, when Dean was in hell. It got bad when he was tripping Lucifer, when he was practically living off coffee, and worse during the trials, when thinking about food made him hungry but actually looking at it left him swallowing bile in a desperate attempt not to throw up.

Most of the time he forces the food down his gullet. Dean always teases him for choosing “rabbit food” and trying to eat healthily, and maybe that’s why he started eating salad, to be healthy, but not now. Now it’s the only thing that won’t make him nauseous.

Sam remembers when they first got to the bunker, and Dean made burgers. He remembers coercing his body to swallow the grease and oil, and smiling for his brother. Sure, it tasted fine in his mouth, but his stomach didn’t agree.

He’s found it gets better when he makes his own food. He knows it’s stupid, especially when the only people he comes into contact with these days are Dean and the grocer, but if he does it himself then there’s less of a chance of poison or drugs. It’s ridiculous, especially after Sam learned there was an angel hitching a ride.

Sam wishes he could always prepare his own food, but when they’re on jobs or Dean takes control of the kitchen it’s just not possible. So Sam plants his computer in front of himself, pretending to be so engaged in research he “forgets” to eat. Instead, he counts the seconds down until he can safely escape the table without raising Dean’s little brother alarm, not that it matters anymore because they’re so broken, their brotherhood shattered into so many pieces, that Sam doubts Dean even knows where he is most of the time, or even cares. But old habits don’t break easy, and Sam still finds himself stirring his food around when he’s in public, expertly making it seem as if he ate at least part of it.

Sometimes Sam wishes he could revel in eating the way his brother does, find joy in the meal in front of him, but he just can’t, no matter how well he acts. He eats mechanically once or twice a day, reminding himself over and over again that he needs nourishment to stay fit, to be able to run. And exercise is something Sam loves. He relishes the freedom and escape, the power that runs through him when he pushes his body to the limit. So he forces the food down. But at the end of the day, food is just another chance to be violated (yet again, the little voice in his head says. Sam tells it to shut up).

On his worst days Sam can’t eat at all, stays as far away from the kitchen as he can, avoids anything edible with a passion. It’s then that Sam wonders what would happen if he simply stopped. If he gave up on food and let himself starve, slowly wasting away until he can’t hold himself up anymore. He wonders if Dean would notice.

But then he remembers Abbadon, and Crowley, and the casualties he’s personally responsible for and he eats. He eats because he needs to be alive to carry his burden, because he is undeserving of peace.


End file.
